Knowledge So Base

Microsoft Knowledge Base Article – 1010101

Windows Runs Slower Than Previously

The information in this article applies to Microsoft Windows; all versions

Symptoms

When you run Windows, you may experience one or more of the following issues:

  • Windows and your applications run slower than they have in the past.
  • Windows and your applications run slower than they used to run when they were running slower than they were in the past.
  • Windows and your applications run slower now than they did last month, when your computer was unplugged.

Cause

There are four possible explanations for this behavior:

  • Your computer is infected with a variant of the Dinosaur.on.downers virus.
  • You have downloaded and installed everything Windows Update has suggested that you download and install.
  • Windows just seems slow because you are not a Microsoft stockholder, and will therefore not receive a piece of that $75 billion payout.

Resolution

Dinosaur.on.downers places a file in your C:\Windows folder called Notepad.exe. If you find this file in your Windows folder, either your computer is infected or it is not.

If you determine that you do not have a virus, you can solve the problem by buying a newer computer. In order to avoid similar problems in the future, we recommend you follow this procedure at least once a month.

In the meantime, cleaning your hard drive will help speed up your system. We recommend using paint remover and an old toothbrush.

Microsoft Knowledge Base Article – 1234567
System Restore Doesn’t Actually Restore My System

The information in this article applies to Microsoft Windows Millennium Edition and XP

Symptoms

  • You edit the Registry, doing major damage, and try to undo the changes with System Restore. The changes are not undone. Or…
  • You install a new application and discover that Windows now associates .dll files with Microsoft Bob. You uninstall the program—which, of course, does not solve the problem—then try to undo the changes with System Restore. It doesn’t work. Or…
  • Internet Explorer now shows your home page as www.nakedfarmanimals.edu. You keep changing it, only to have it changed back again. You restore the system to a point recorded beforehand, but you’re still confronted by undressed turkeys.

Cause

When you create a restore point—or when one is created automatically—Windows saves a record of your system’s condition. When you restore that record, Windows reboots your system and shows you a progress bar to create the illusion that it is actually doing something.

This behavior is by design.

Resolution

The system is performing normally. Nothing needs to be resolved.

If you don’t find that answer satisfactory, try avoiding anything that could have an adverse effect on your Registry or Windows installation. This includes changing settings, installing software, or using your computer.

Status

Microsoft has no plans to change this situation. With $75 billion going to our stockholders, why should we?

Microsoft Knowledge Base Article – 3.1416
Words Randomly Replaced with Dollar Signs

The information in this article applies to Microsoft FrontPage

Symptoms

When you create a web page and upload it onto your site, it looks fine. However, readers complain that many of the words on the page have been replaced by a row of five dollar signs (“$$$$$”).

Cause

There are 75 billion conditions that may cause this problem:

  • The people visiting your site and reporting the problem are using a browser other than Internet Explorer.
  • The people visiting your site and reporting the problem are using Internet Explorer.
  • The people visiting your site and reporting the problem are not particularly nice people.

Resolution

There are a number of possible solutions to this problem, and it’s vitally important that you pick the one that’s $$$$$ for you. First of all, if your readers are complaining of $$$$$, you may need to change FrontPage’s $$$$$ setting, which is located on the $$$$$ menu. Just be careful that $$$$$ is set to $$$$$ or you may reformat your hard $$$$$.

On the other hand, if your $$$$$ is set to $$$$$, the problem is with your $$$$$ and the web page issue is only a $$$$$. In order to save your data, your business, and possibly your life, you must $$$$$ your $$$$$ until it is safely $$$$$ as soon as $$$$$.

$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$, with $$$$$ $$$$$—or perhaps $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$. And whatever you do, don’t $$$$$!

Microsoft Knowledge Base Article – 0
This Program Really Sucks

The information in this article applies to all Microsoft Products

Symptoms

  • You’re using Microsoft Windows and suddenly you get a white-on-blue text screen filled with meaningless messages and numbers. Despite onscreen options to press any key or Control-Alt-Delete, you have no real choice but to power down and reboot. Or…
  • You install the latest version of Microsoft Office, and discover that all of your favorite features have been discontinued. Or…
  • You install Windows on a new PC, boot up, log onto the Internet, and immediately have 85 new adware programs.

Cause

You are using Microsoft software.

This behavior is by design.

Resolution

There is none. You’re stuck with us.

And by the way, thanks for the $75 billion.

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